I’m not the Mum I thought I would be

Ooh er, coming back after a blog hiatus and kicking things off with a controversial post title. This is, though, the one thing I want to say before all of the other things I want to say. It’s more vital I get this out than the fact my newborn is now over nine months old; that  breastfeeding is infinitely more rewarding (and initially harder) than I expected; that I’m finally feeling more like myself; or any of the other things I want to talk about. Because, actually, all of those things follow on from the simple truth that I’m not the mother I thought I would be. 

This is the mum I thought I’d be:

  • Don’t pick him up too much, he’ll be mollycoddled
  • Routine, routine, routine – this baby will fit into our lives not the other way round
  • Get him used to his cot as early as possible
  • Get him to sleep through the night as soon as poss because I love sleep
  • Breastfeeding is fine (although jeez everyone needs to stop banging on about it) but I’m not wedded to it so we will see how it goes.

The mum I’ve actually turned out to be is, basically, the complete opposite of the above. I’m pretty much baby led in most things, including feeding and routine. That’s to say – we follow a basic routine but it’s Bug that has laid out what we do and when, I just follow along. 

My baby is a terrible sleeper. I rock him to sleep, I boobfeed him to sleep, I cuddle him to sleep and then he sleeps with us all night with multiple wake ups where he rolls over for some food. This is the best and easiest way to ensure we all get some sleep. 

The above decision was made at 3am one night when, sweating and exhausted, I tried to put him down in his cot for the millionth time, only for him to wake up. I thought to myself, “I have to get him to sleep in his cot or else…” and I then tried to finish that sentence: or else what, exactly? What was the worst thing that could happen? My son is a happy, secure, lively baby. One day he’ll be able to sleep on his own because that’s how humans function. He will also be able to walk and talk but, for some reason, I wasn’t freaking out about the fact that he wasn’t doing either of those things yet. Just like walking and talking, he isn’t developmentally ready to sleep alone and unaided. I know this because I’m his mum.

Oh yes, that’s another thing I used to scoff at before I became a mum: the idea of a mother’s instinct. It’s pretty much the driving force of much of my decision making in relation to my son so, er, again not the mother I thought I’d be.

I’ve also become one of those people who bang on about breastfeeding. For my son, it’s so, so much more than just about nutrition, it’s how I calm him, how I relax him, how I help him to go to sleep. It’s by far the most important tool in my parenting box. It’s hard. They don’t tell you that in NCT and they really should because then it wouldn’t be such a shock. But if you manage to make it work, it’s absolutely fabulous.

My son and I both had a tough birth and he was not a happy bunny for the first few weeks of his life. So I carried him around in a sling. Again, this was not at all part of my parenting philosophy but my goodness it worked. He slowly stopped being so anxious, he became calmer, he started to enjoy the world instead of sending out “I WANT TO GO BACK IN” vibes all the time. 

I think what’s hardest about being the type of mother I’ve turned out to be is that my type of mothering (I should say parenting as my husband is similar) is not the mainstream. Telling people that you bedshare with your baby gets a similar reaction to telling people you feed your baby crack. I’m one of only a small handful of mums who are still breastfeeding, and I’m aware that I’ll continue to be in the minority as we approach Bug’s first birthday as only 0.5% of UK mums continue feeding to this milestone. It can feel a bit lonely being the only one doing things a certain way. But I strongly believe that I’m parenting my baby in the way that he needs. As long as he’s happy, so am I. 

So, here we are: nine months in and I’m absolutely not the mother I thought I would be. But, actually, I quite like the one I’ve become.

My Petit Canard

Keanu at 11 weeks

My baby boy is now 11 weeks old. I’ve noticed that time doesn’t move quite like it used to. These 11 weeks have gone by in a second and yet I can’t quite remember life without the little one here. My Mum, who has been here for most of the past 11 weeks, has now gone home so I’m finally doing this parenting thing on my own. 

I’m getting the hang of things. Someone once told me the first six weeks are really hard and every day after that gets better. That’s definitely been my experience. Everything has become easier – I feel like I understand what KP wants now, I can distinguish between his different cries. He is sleeping better. Oh and the feeding. We are breastfeeding and it’s working and I feel confident doing it. But I’m now no longer surprised that breastfeeding numbers are low – because it’s HARD. Even when it’s easy, it’s hard. But that’s a blog post for another day.

How baby is doing

Keanu is now 66cm and a hefty 14.5lbs. He loves balloons and light fixtures and our red cushions. He loves having a bath but detests being made to get out. He can tantrum for Britain. He’s discovered he can suck his thumb and loves lavishing lots of attention on it. He likes sleeping on people. He hates having a wet nappy and will wriggle and complain until it’s replaced (and will usually immediately make the new one wet and/or dirty!). He loves to smile. He loves talking and making noises and blabbers away to himself for most of the day. Even if he is mid tantrum he will momentarily stop if you stand him up – he loves that sh*t.

In the past week, he has taken to rolling over onto his side. He now enjoys it when I blow raspberries on his tummy (this took him a while, the first few times earned me a confused stare). He also loves it when I snort at him.

He has his second round of jabs next week. Oh help.

How I’m doing

11 weeks post-partum sounds like quite a lot but I still don’t feel exactly “normal”. I’m 2 kilos over my pre-pregnancy weight but haven’t been actively trying to get back into shape. I have started Pilates but now need to find a baby friendly class as my babysitter (my mum) isn’t around. I’m planning to try and get out walking with him every day. 

I’ve realised how important and useful it is to have family and/or friends near you once you have kids. We aren’t, as a society, that well set up to help new mums because the reality is that it really does that a village to raise a child. And when your village is full of people who you only sort of recognise through bleary eyes on the 07:36 into London Waterloo then they aren’t going to be much help. Some people do still live near their friends and family but, in my experience, those people are the lucky exceptions, not the rule. I want to go back to work after my year of maternity leave is up but I want to leave my precious little bundle with people that love him and that I can trust. That’s hard. 

I’m very stressed right now because tomorrow there will be a referendum that could, if it goes the wrong way, forever change my relationship with this country that I love. I am both European and British and I want to remain that way. I want my son Keanu to grow up thinking big, thinking outward, thinking together and different is much better than similar and apart. 

The European Union (as it is now) was created as the most incredible peace project that this world has ever seen. After decades of tearing itself apart, this continent decided to become so economically interlinked that it could never go to war with itself again. The EU is not perfect, but its objective is something so wonderful and so pure, and even more relevant in this century of war, displacement and terrorism. For that alone, I’m voting In. If you have a vote, please make sure you cast it tomorrow. 

I have a baby boy!

Celebratory “I’ve been born!” fist pump 
It’s taken me a while to post on here because, in summary, birthing a baby is bloody hard and then looking after them is bloody hard. I’ll go into a bit more detail but right there is basically the conclusion of everything I’m about to say. Birth and babies are hard. The end (not really).

But first! Let me introduce my son, Keanu Phoenix. He was born on 4 April 2016 at 15:25 weighing 9 pounds and 9 ounces. The labour was tough and the birth itself was tougher still. It was a ventouse delivery, I lost 2.5 litres of blood, HB went down to 6 and I had a second degree tear. Despite the sound of all that, it was a positive experience. The midwives and obstetrician, who delivered Keanu (and told an exhausted me to “get angry and have a baby” – just what I needed to hear), were brilliant. They kept me informed, let me know what was happening and allowed me to feel in control. 

What happened during the three days after the birth was not positive. I was on the labour then the postnatal ward because of the tear and blood loss and, by the time I got home, my mental health had taken a battering. I’d slept a total of about four hours in the three days since the birth, I’d refused a blood transfusion just so I could get out of there and I had a human to look after. At some point I will write about my post- birth experience. But not now. It’s going to take me a while to process it.

Since then, however, things have been on the up. Keanu was a big boy when he came into this world and he’s continued to grow! He’s now 13lbs4 at 6 weeks and 3 days. He has started to smile and giggle and gaze at everything. He’s got a massive temper which is amusing. He really disliked having his nappy changed at first but has realised that it’s preferable process to lying in a wet one, so no longer screams the house down. He hates being cold but is getting used to having a bath (except the getting out bit but, let’s be honest, no one likes that). He is quite a good sleeper at night although likes to keep us on our toes so will sleep for five hours straight or decide that he OMG has to wake up at 4am and have a party. He likes eating. A lot. He also recently discovered his fist and gets confused between that and the boob quite a lot, which is very amusing – the only thing that can make me laugh at 4am.

Speaking of which, boob feeding is going quite well. For the first week, I was totally convinced I was doing it wrong because it HURT. “If it hurts you’re doing it wrong” was fairly well drummed into me at various breastfeeding classes. Bloody tosh. It hurt. But I was doing it right and, by the end of the second week, it had stopped hurting. 

We are now slowly getting into the rhythm of daily life. I thought I was prepared for a baby but I wasn’t. It’s far and away the craziest, most amazing, hardest, trippiest trip I’ve ever been on. 

And this is just the beginning.

40 weeks: Pregnancy Update (OVERDUE)

Taken at 39 weeks!

Oh my, it’s been almost a month since I last updated. Life has got somewhat hectic recently – plus there have been lots of changes! I have started maternity leave, our kitchen was gutted and replaced, my parents are in the country and … erm, I’m still pregnant. Yes, it seems Baby Bug may need a bit of a push (and a shove) to get him out. I’m now going more by my dates (which are 40+4) than the NHS dates as they make me feel better.

In other news, I was somehow, crazily nominated in the MAD Blog Awards for Best Pregnancy Blog. To whoever nominated me: THANK YOU! I absolutely was not expecting it (and thoroughly do not deserve it) and it was such a lovely, wonderful thing to have happen.

Weeks: 40 + 4 (my dates) / 41 + 2 (NHS)

New developments:
I am overdue. My actual dates have now become quite a bit more important because I knew my dates within a 48 hour time period – but, when we had the scan, they bought the dates forward by a few days so due date was 21 March rather than 26-27 March. I know this may seem trivial but, when you’re really, really pregnant, it becomes really, really important. It means that, today, I’m 4 days overdue rather than a week and 2 days.

Importantly, it also means that they are talking about inducing me earlier than I believe necessary. I also don’t want to be induced but that’s a whole other story. My takeaway lesson from this is, if you know your dates, highlight this earlier as it’s easier to discuss it when you’re not the size of a house and desperate for baby to arrive.

I received a bit of an annoying blow last week when I was told I tested positive for Group Strep B (GSB). I was told, however, that they weren’t sure if the sample had been contaminated or not. Argh.

For those who haven’t heard of it, GSB is a pretty common bacteria which CAN – in rare circumstances – cause newborns to be quite seriously sick. For this reason, women who test positive are given IV antibiotics during labour and bub needs to be monitored afterward. It’s not a massive deal but it will (would) mean that I have to go to the labour ward (old and crap) not the birth centre (new and swish) at my hospital.

However, as mentioned, there was some confusion over whether the sample was contaminated so I have taken a five day course of antibiotics and, today, given another urine sample to see if it comes back clear or not. It does mean that, if I go into labour before the results come back in a couple of days, I’ll need the IV antibiotics as a precaution. So I’m now in the weird position where I’m overdue but really hoping bub gives me two extra days so I can get the all clear!

Apart from that, I’m huge – so sleeping, walking, breathing, eating is all, as you can imagine, SUPER FUN.

I’ve been having loads of practice contractions, a show, bub is super engaged…and yet, nothing. No cigar.

Nausea is back intermittently.

Randomly, I’ve developed a sudden, unending love of grapefruit. Grapefruit has not really featured massively in my life before but, suddenly, at around 39 weeks, I insisted we go and get one (someone on Four in a Bed ate one and I was insanely jealous) and I haven’t looked back.

See pic above (which was at 39 weeks – it’s got bigger!).

Maternity fashion:
I am living in leggings. A lot of my tops are now a bit too tight. I bought two long-line cardigans which I adore. My Mum also bought me a massive pink hoodie which is my at-home uniform. Suffice to say: I’m not going to be winning any fashion awards.

Anything else:
I have a midwife appointment tomorrow and plan to have another sweep (I had one last week). I’ve also had to book an induction date which is Sunday (3 April). However, I’m planning to see if they’ll be happy to do the continuous monitoring thing for a while given my dates are slightly off (on Sunday, I will be 41+1).

Follow me on twitter / instagram for more up to date news (or just because it would be fab to connect).

35 weeks: Pregnancy Update

IMG_0015 (2)
Un-glamorous work bathroom selfie at 35 weeks!

Weeks: 35 (NHS) / 34 + 2 (my dates)

New developments:
I’m 35 weeks, according to the NHS! This feels like a mini-milestone although I’m not sure why. Perhaps being, honestly, in the midst of hyperemesis hell, I truly did not believe that I’d ever get to this stage. It seemed so far away and every day seemed so interminably miserable. So, wow, amazing to be here.

Bug is still pretty boisterous. I’m not entirely sure when he sleeps as I feel like he is constantly awake and kicking me. He loves doing the odd roll also, which, literally, takes my breath away as he’ll move from one side to the other. I’m pretty sure he is now head down and I’m trying to monitor how I sit and lie down to encourage him to stay in that position.

My last set of bloods came back and my iron levels were quite low so I’ve started drinking Spatone which is iron but in a liquid sachet (apparently easier to digest).  I mix it with orange juice and can’t taste it. I’ve always had quite low iron levels so this wasn’t a surprise but I have been feeling super tired and breathless so hopefully the Spatone will help. I’m sure Mr Bug will appreciate it if I’m able to stay up past 9pm (or maybe not! It has allowed him to finish The Witcher without me whining that I’m bored…).

We’ve begun to get our hospital bag packed. I will do a post on what we’ve included as I found it a bit of a nightmare, if I’m honest. I guess part of the issue is you don’t REALLY know how long you’ll be in for so you’re probably going to pack either too much or too little. I’m shooting for too much. Also, I think we need to talk to mother nature about babies coming out as a standard size. It would make life MUCH EASIER.

I still need to pee all the time! I’ve also been getting those sharp jabs to the bladder/groin area which, as you can imagine, are SUPER fun. Pelvic pain is still an issue, especially when I sit down and work at my desk for too long. It’s hard to keep reminding myself to get up but I do try.

My back is still quite sore, I can’t quite find a good position which stops it from aching.

Nausea is back. No vomiting as of yet (fingers crossed it stays away). The nausea is worse in the mornings, evenings and whenever I haven’t eaten so I have a stash of biscuits/fruit with me at all times. Special K chocolate cereal bars are my new best friend, diet be damned.

Curries. Still.

I feel huge.

Maternity fashion:
I have found maternity jeans uncomfortable for the last couple of weeks so I’m currently living in leggings and tights. I dislike having anything constricting bump (and bug doesn’t seem to enjoy it either) so I think that is a personal opinion thing as others prefer more support.

I’ve just bought a couple more leggings as I’m living in them when not wearing tights for work. I’ve also bought myself a couple of long t-shirts from New Look as everything is getting just a tad tight.

My coat has stopped fitting around Bump, so I’ve nicked my Mum’s slightly larger, very warm North Face coat (she lives abroad so doesn’t need it, I’m not that mean). This should definitely last me until D-Day.

Anything else:
I’ve got one more week at work! My maternity leave starts on Tuesday 23 January. We then have the kitchen being ripped out and replaced (hopefully). We have also started on a hypnobirthing course, so I’ll post about my thoughts on that soon.




Project: Decorate the nursery (3)


Project Nursery 2.0

Project Decorate the Nursery has come on apace since the last update! Which is good because Project Grow a Baby has come on apace too, and we now have just over 5 weeks until Due Date.

We painted the walls the lovely F&B Cornforth White, which I now want to splash all over the house just because it’s lovely and relaxing. We went to Ikea and had a bit of a mammoth furniture buy but I’m really happy with what we ended up with and how the room looks. So, below, is a list of what we went for.

Gulliver Changing Table in white – I wasn’t sure about a changing table. I mean, why not just a chest of drawers? But, actually, at £65 this not only looks pretty awesome, it’s also totally bargainous. We also got some really cute baskets from my brother and sister in law for Christmas which we can now use on the changing table shelves – you can see these better in the photo below.

Bookcase and changing table fun

Bookcase – We went into Ikea full expecting to get a Billy Bookcase, as are 90% of the world I imagine, but we ended up with this one. I’m not sure if it’s Billy because I can’t find it online but I love the square box shelves. If I can find a link to it online I will come back and update.


We have some totally cute book ends that we got from my mother in law (the penguins) and my cousin (the pineapple), as well as Olaf, which I bought because, well, why not?


Chest of drawers from MALM – I wanted the biggest chest of drawers I could find that would fit this space, so ta-da. My other main criteria, apart from size, was that the drawers opened and shut really easily – I know that may sound DUH OBVS but, actually, I’ve come across quite a few chest of drawers that are pricey AND YET you have to really whack them shut. Which I hate.


Cot and snuzpod – I’ve talked about our Rachel cotbed (John Lewis) before which I love. Apologies, I didn’t take a proper pic of it because we’ve shoved all of the furniture boxes on there so it’s less than ideal for instagramming.

The other thing Rob finished making yesterday was the snuzpod, which I’m super excited about. It’s chunkier than I thought it would be, which isn’t a bad thing. Once we’ve sorted our room out and baby appears then obviously it’ll be in with us. I’m not going to lie, it’s expensive, much more so than a simple moses basket, but I love sleeping and would totally represent the UK if it was an Olympic sport, so am willing to throw money at anything that could help make sleeping with a newborn easier.

Vinyl lettering / transfers – Rob has fallen in love with these things, so we’ve got two in Bug’s room: one of a very adorable looking giraffe (see pic above) and the other of a  hashed Napoleon quote. I actually love them both.


I’m really excited by the Nursery and it is now my favourite room in the house. This may change in three weeks when, hopefully, our new kitchen will be in place but, for the moment, it’s all about the nursery. We’ve got a few more soft furnishings to buy, as well as a small sofa that turns into a bed, also from Ikea. It’s £95 though! Much better than the made.com sofabed/chair thing I was eyeing up for £499.

I think the most expensive buy in the nursery was the Snuzpod but, since that won’t actually BE in the nursery, it’s officially the cot at around £160. Everything else was £100 or less. All hail for Ikea.

my petit canard

Are you judging my birth choices?

New generation of birthing units

An overdue post! I’ve actually got quite a few posts to write up on various subjects (progress on the nursery, my pregnancy updates – am 34 weeks now! – and some reflections on pregnancy buying) but let’s start with this one as it’s a bit grittier. I love gritty topics.

I am generally discovering that I’m not immune to the parent / pregnancy / labour / birth / [insert any word ever] judginess that is rife on the internet and in real life. When people are really judgmental and nasty about the choices that you make or want to make, well, it HURTS. I think this gets worse the more personal the judgement is – and what is more personal than how you choose to give birth to your child? Which brings me onto my current post topic, and my current dilemma.

We went on a tour around our chosen Hospital the other day. Like many hospitals, it’s been set up with a midwife-led unit (MLU) and a consultant led unit / labour ward (CLU). During the tour, there was a lot of emphasis on having a natural birth in the MLU and how the CLU ‘should’ be kept free for the complicated/difficult/dangerous births. Obviously, though, being on the MLU means no doctors/anaesthetists so gas and air and maybe pethidine (there were conflicting responses on the pethidine question) is available. For more pain relief, a transfer (across reception, into the lift) to the CLU would be required.

We walked around the newly opened, very nice MLU and then around the CLU – this was then followed up with a Q&A session with one of the head midwives. I asked a question about their approach to mobile epidurals and received a rather bad-tempered, snappy response. Questions about transferring from the MLU to the CLU etc were shut down. Generally, the message was that, barring any medical issues/limitations, “women (should?) want a natural birth in a MLU”. At least, that was the message that I heard quite loudly. And, to be honest, it isn’t the message that I want to hear.

Let me be clear: I would LOVE to have a straight-forward natural birth. I would love to be able to deal with the pain, put my hypno-birthing training to the test and pass with flying colours. But birth, like life generally, doesn’t always go according to plan. There may be complications, bub may not want to come out. Or, heaven forbid, I may not be able to deal with the pain. If any of the above happens, I want the option of choosing pain relief for myself. Because, guess what, not all women DO want a natural birth in a MLU. We are, God forbid, all different.

What all women do want (I hope) is to be empowered and informed enough to make the choices they want. I know exactly what I want. I would like to start off with as little intervention as possible; gas and air; possibly try a birthing pool. But, if at ANY point, I decide I would like an epidural then I would like an epidural. I don’t want anything else (we have done research into all the options and things like pethidine aren’t going to work for me) and, importantly, I don’t want to be argued with. I want to feel that those around me are supporting the decisions that I’m making and respect my right to choose the birth that I want.

Which brings me back to my current issue with our Hospital. I did not get the impression that women are REALLY free to choose whatever they want. I got the impression that MLU-led natural births are what I’m expected to want, and I will have to argue for any deviation to that ‘norm’ that isn’t due to medical need.

Not to put too fine a point on it but: screw that. If I’m struggling in labour and decide I’d like an epidural, I will go ballistic if I’m ‘encouraged’ against it. It’s MY CHOICE.

However, I also know ‘me’. If, in that crucial, vulnerable, stressful, difficult moment, I am given the impression that someone, anyone, thinks I’m failing at birth because of the choices I am making, it’ll hurt. Because things like that hurt. It’ll stay with me, I’ll remember it, I’ll internalise it. Yes, my husband will be there and can advocate on my behalf but he’ll be stressed too and, importantly, he cannot control how other people act.

So, I’m taking steps to try and have the birth that I want:

  • On Saturday, we’re going to visit the other hospital near where we live so I can assess their attitudes and see if I feel more comfortable there
  • Arrange to speak to the midwives and explain my concerns. See if I can write something up on my preferences that make my issues clear.
  • Explore option of a doula.
  • If none of the above get me anywhere, check out nearby private maternity options.

I have no pre-conceived notions of what birth is going to be like because I’ve never given birth before. What I do want is to ensure that I feel as comfortable, relaxed and supported as possible. That’s what everyone woman should feel like going into labour, through labour and out the other side.

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my petit canard

4D Baby Scan at 31 weeks!

On Saturday, we decided to go for a private scan at BabyBond to check Baby Bug’s position and, also, hopefully get some 4D pictures of him. I’m not quite sure why it’s called 4D but, either way, the imagery is pretty impressive. We were able to see Bug moving around, making quite a few moody faces and rubbing his face with his hand. There was also a smile in there!

I find it amazing that babies can be comfortable in that tiny space – Bug had a hand and foot stuck right up against his face. No wonder he looked a bit moody. Mr Bug and I were totally n00bs during the entire scan – I’m not sure what we were expecting but a baby that actually looked like a baby was clearly not it. I think Mr Bug may have even said “HAH, he has a nose” at one point.

The other awesome thing that this scan revealed is that Bug is head down, not transverse. I breathed quite a large sigh of relief when we heard that. He’s quite large already – 4.8 lbs at just over 31 weeks. I think he’s packed on a few more ounces since then as my back has really started to hurt and lugging him around is getting harder.

3.5 more weeks of work to go.


What if I don’t love my child?

My monsters and me

I’ve got 8 weeks till Due Date. EIGHT WEEKS. I go through periods of intense panic about logistical things (kitchen is being renovated; we haven’t finished the nursery; the Christmas tree is still outside!) to intense calm (meh, we can move in with Mr Bug’s parents if we need to).

But, underlying all of this, is a deeper, more intransigent set of fears that are harder to express. When I try – when I give it a go – people say “Don’t be silly!” or “It’ll all be FINE”. And…that’s the end of the conversation.

Certain fears – and certain realities – are very taboo. I have the feeling that even voicing them can make people uncomfortable. It’s easier to dismiss the very idea as preposterous, ridiculous, the fears of a totes emosh pregnant lady freaking out 8 weeks before the birth of her first child.

I would like to express my fears around becoming a parent without feeling like I’m doing the equivalent of worrying about monsters under my bed. These fears are real; people actually have children and feel like this. If we talked about it more, we might fear it less.

So, after that dramatic introduction, what are these fears?

The scariest one – the one that can make me pause a moment and catch my breath – is the fear that I won’t love my child. I fear that I’ll give birth and someone will hand him over to me and I will feel nothing. Or, worse, I will feel revulsion or panic. That I will want to hand him back.

I’m quite good at loving people. I love my family and my close friends and I’ve had quite a lot of experience with how to love people. But this is totally different, this isn’t like any other relationship I’ve ever had, and I have zero guarantees about how my heart and mind will react. I THINK I’ll love him; I’m pretty SURE that I will; I see NO REASON why I wouldn’t. But.

Another fear – and they are all linked – is that I will regret having him. That he’ll come along and everything in my life will change and I’ll look back and decide that, on balance, it was better before he turned up.

Again – I have no reason to believe that I will think that way but I’m marching at light-speed into the unknown right now. I have absolutely no idea what the day to day struggles of parenthood are like or how I’m going to react to them.

The final fear I’m going to voice here is the fear that I won’t like my child. This has been something that has stayed with me every since reading “We need to talk about Kevin” (such an interesting book by the way!). The idea of nurturing a child, of investing everything into them, only for them to turn out to be a bit of an arsehole (or mass murderer in the case of Kevin – but something a little less apocalyptic would still be distressing) sounds pretty gutting. I know I’m naively foraying into the nature vs nurture debate here but the fact that there is still a debate going on means I can’t 100% assume that my amazingly awesome (obvs) parenting skills will ensure that Baby Bug doesn’t turn out to be a total wanker.

Ah. I feel better already. I don’t want to know that these things aren’t going to happen but saying them (or writing them down) means they are a lot less scary. It also means I can think about these things logically – both in terms of “this is probably not going to happen because x, y and z” but also (and importantly), “if it DOES happen, this is what you can do”.

The little monsters under the bed will still be there, and I’m very likely to spend the next 8 weeks having a little panic about them every so often, but confronting them makes them a lot less scary (and makes me feel a lot less like a crazy person).

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Baby in transverse position (31 week pregnancy update)

Transverse lie

Weeks: 31 + 2 (NHS) / 30 + 4 (my dates)

New developments:
I had my 31 week doctor appointment a couple of days ago and everything was fine. Well, everything except he suspects Bug is in a transverse position. This means that Bug is lying sideways with his head on one side of my abdomen and his bum on the other.

I wasn’t that surprised to hear this because it’s where Bug has been for most of this pregnancy. I’ve never felt any kicks or movement above my belly button and it’s how he was lying in each of the three scans we have had.

It does mean, however, that Bug needs to move before D-Day as he can’t be born vaginally like this. I’ve found some exercises to do via the Spinning Babies website so will give those a go.

I’ve got my 34 week midwife appointment in early February and, if she suspects he’s still transverse, I’ll go in for a scan to confirm. Then there’s the option of having ECV (external cephalic version) where the obstetrician will try to turn the baby manually. Finally, there’s the option of a caesarian.

These are all the stages that the doctor wanted us to be aware of, but I’m not too concerned right now as I’m still only 31 weeks, so bub has time to turn on his own. It’s good to be aware of the game plan though.

It does explain a few of my aches and pains. My bump is really tight around the lower part but quite loose up top (near my ribs) which puts quite a bit of pressure on my back. All the kicks/rolls are around my lower abdomen, usually to the extreme right and down into my cervix.

Watch this (increasingly tight!) space.

I constantly need to pee. As soon as I pee, I need to pee again. I try and restrict how much I drink before bed so I’m not up constantly through the night but it’s usually at least twice.

Pelvic pain is getting worse. I’m making a conscious effort to get up from my desk while I’m at work because sitting for a long time usually makes it much worse. I’ve given up trying to walk the 15 minutes back from the station in the evening (hello taxi!) but am still perservering with the morning walk.

Despite trying with ALL of the cushions and pillows, sleeping on my side really hurts my back. I’m not sure if the fact bug is transverse plays into this. I usually end up on my back as, even though I can’t really breathe, it’s less painful than on either side!

Nausea has come back a little bit but no vomming. I’m eating little and often, as is recommended.

Curries. Bug loves curries.

I feel massive now but I’ve had a few “you have such a compact bump!” comments so it’s hard to tell.

Maternity fashion:
I haven’t bought anything recently, I’m trying to stick with what I’ve got.

Anything else:
4.5 more weeks at work to go!